The after life

Yes, I called it the after life, the after life is when a person dies and he starts seeing the truth.. he starts seeing things that might be beyond his understanding but he must keep up cause that's where he will be forever.. 

this is exactly how it is with knowing about your child that he/she is challenged.. this is your life now, this IS IT.. you have to learn how to deal with it.. there's no way back..

After the first night of knowing tala's diagnosis I started to scan everything in my life, all my mistakes, is God punishing me for doing this or that? And it felt unfair, it felt wrong.. no matter what I did I don't deserve this.. this is not right and I need an explanation.. I need a reason... 

when I had no reason in my head to explain this, this is when guilt started to creep up on me..

I tried to remember every detail from the first day I knew I was pregnant.."may be this one time I took two cups of coffee instead of one?, and there was a night I decided to sleep on my stomach, maybe she suffocated.. did I use my phone much? It's the wireless in the house.. I travelled a lot and went out a lot with my friends.. I wish I had more rest.." my mind was racing.. and no matter how well educated you are, you will still think like that. I had to find a good explanation, a reason, someone must've have done something wrong.. I asked all the doctors I met.. did anything cause this? They said no, it's pure coincidence..

And here is where I welcomed all the anger...

I'm angry at Ali cause if I did nothing wrong then he must've done something..

I'm angry at any person who tries to offer advice cause "who are you to tell me what to do with my disabled child? Did you ever have one? No, then shut up.."

I'm angry at all the doctors cause they have no explanation

I'm angry at myself for being that angry "don't you have any faith at all?" I used to ask my self... but back then I wasn't myself.. I was a broken person who had to hit rock bottom in order to get up and start turning things around..

I'm angry at God and this was the worst of all.. cause all my life God was a very important part of it.. so I felt betrayed.. I felt like God is punishing me for no reason..

anyways I had to brush these feelings aside the next day cause I had to take action, make phone calls, reach doctors and ask what's next.. so I put all my feelings inside a box and closed it for now.. this box was the heaviest thing I had to carry my whole life.. I'm sure Ali had the same feelings but it took us a long time to open this box and talk to each other about it.. our concern now was Tala and what's our next step..

All these feelings are normal and you have to let them flow through you so you can move on.. try to surround yourself with people who love you and can help you.. accept help, this doesn't make you weak.. be conscious to how you feel, accept and let it pass.. don't hold on to it.. it's not easy, it needs a lot of practice and persistence to live a normal life..

More on that later:)

Thanks for reading:)